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Ray Gleason

Humans getting Bigger and Better According to McDonalds’ Research

Fat Woman with Food (2)According to a study recently released by the Ronald McDonald Institute for Advanced Science and Nutrition, humans on the planet have been getting bigger for the last hundred thousand years – and not by chance.

The findings describe a pattern of increasing body size that cannot be explained by random “drift”, but suggests bigger animals generally fare better.

In the past 142 thousand years, the average size of humans has increased by a factor of 150 with the growth curve rising rapidly since 1940, when McDonalds opened its first hamburger restaurant California. It appears that the explosion of different forms of nutrition from this source, like Super-Size Fries, Big Macs, Egg McMuffins, Chicken McNuggets, and McCafé Shakes has speeded humanity decisively towards realizing its evolutionary destiny.

And, this increase in size is perfectly consistent with evolution and natural selection.

Measured by volume, today’s human weighs two tenths more than its medieval counterpart and a third more than humans during the time of the Caesars.

The idea that natural selection might lead to animals gradually gaining weight is far from new. It is set out in a Professor (2)proposal known as “The Professor’s Rule,” after the lovable, bearded scientist-type character in a lab coat, who appeared in McDonald’s commercials. The rule postulates that population lineages tend to increase in body size over evolutionary time.

Dr. I. M. Stout, a senior fellow and researcher from Ronald McDonald University, set out to give The Professor’s Rule its most thorough test yet – in the increasingly vast realm of humanity.

He enlisted the help of graduate students, undergraduates, high school interns, and long-haul truck drivers to scour the scientific record for the application of cholesterol-laden foods and trans-fatty acids as they correlate to body size and discovered that there is an unmistakable relationship that seems to be linear. In other words, the more a human eats the larger the human becomes.

But, Dr. Stout argues, this is not a bad thing as many try to portray it. It is actually speeding up the natural evolutionary path of humanity.

“The degrees of increase in both mean and maximum body size just aren’t well explained by neutral drift,” said Dr. Hungry. “It appears that it is connected to active evolutionary process of consuming large amounts of high fat foods that promotes larger sizes.”

Hamburgers (2)As for what those benefits of extra bulk might be, the researchers cannot be sure – but larger species likely took advantage of being able to move slower, waddle better, and eat ever larger helpings of food.

“Big is better,” winked Dr. Stout as he faced a Bacon McDouble.

Reviewers Invited for a New Novel by Ray Gleason – The Gabinian Affair

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De Re GabinianaThe Gabinian Affair – is the first novel in the Gaius Marius Chronicle, the memoir of a retired Roman soldier, Gaius Marius Insubrecus, a legionary who fought with Caesar throughout his Gallic campaigns and the Roman civil wars, and who then supported Caesar’s son and heir, Octavius, in his struggle against Caesar’s murderers and finally against Antonius and Cleopatra.

The Gabinian Affair recounts the events leading up to Insubrecus’ decision to join the Roman Tenth Legion immediately before Caesar’s Helvetian campaign. The narrative recreates a colorful and culturally complex portrait of ancient northern Italy, the Po Valley and the city of Mediolanum, whose Celtic population is struggling with its own identity after more than a hundred years of Roman rule.

Gaius Marius Insubrecus is the younger son of a Romanized Gallic farmer and a Roman mother, Valeria, who has great ambitions for the success of her son in the Roman world. Through the well-meaning machinations of his mother, Gai is thrust into the maelstrom of Roman politics, corruption and murderous vengeance of the late Republic.

Gai finds himself the ward of an ambitious Roman senator, Aulus Gabinius, with whose daughter, Gabi, he falls hopelessly in love as only a sixteen-year-old boy can. Gai is helped by his mentor, Quintus Macro, an injured Roman soldier, who manages the Gabinius estate, and by Rubia, the madam of a back-street lupinarium in Mediolanum .

Meanwhile, the influence of Gaius Iulius Caesar, the Consul of the Roman Republic, under whose patronage Gai’s family lives, casts a faint but unmistakable influence over the events of Gai’s life.

Readers are invited to conduct pre-publication reviews of the novel.

The task is simple… just read the novel and provide the author with your observations and comments.

Those who are interested should contact the author through this website. You will receive a copy of the manuscript and a short questionnaire through email.

Scientific Study Concludes Herring Communicate by Passing Gas

Herring Farts (2)

Two scientific teams, one in Canada and the other in Britain, studied Pacific herring in Bamfield, British Columbia, and Atlantic herring in Oban, Scotland. Both the Atlantic and Pacific male herring create a mysterious low-frequency, rumbling underwater noise by releasing a high-pressure stream of gas from their anuses. The release is always accompanied by a fine stream of bubbles.

Researchers suspect herring hear the bubbles as they’re expelled, helping the fish decide which fish should be invited into the more refined schools and other fishy social gatherings. It may also have some relationship to herring mating rituals. The researchers named the phenomenon Fast Repetitive Tick, or FRT. Scientists say, unlike the human version, these FRTs are thought to bring the fish closer together.

mad woman scientist (2)According to Dr. Penny Arcade of Canadian Advanced Study of Herring (CASH), FRT phenomenon may help humanity understand itself and its biological origins better.

“It’s generally accepted that all life on earth originated in the oceans,” Arcade asserts. “Perhaps the propensity of males of the human species to establish predominance by farting has its source in primitive communications strategies.”

Arcade points out that the FRT of the herring seems to have some connection with the social hierarchy of herring schools, the dominant males blowing off the most frequent and forceful FRTs.

“Think of it!” Arcade points out. “These behaviors can still be seen in modern human males, especially in pubs, locker rooms and chili parlors.”

Not everyone in the scientific community embraces the conclusions of the FRT study. Sawyer Tooshie, a graduate student at Walter Mellon Patch University, not only doubts that Herring FRT, but also that it has anything to do with modern human behavior.

“I reviewed the entire study.” Tooshie states. “The conclusions ignore totally the behaviors of the female herring, who seem strangely tolerant of the male FRT. Could you imagine such behavior among human females? One good toot during a lecture or a classical concert, and every woman in the place is heading for the exit. The whole thing smells!”

On a related issue, the Massachusetts Institute for Climate Change, noting that herring tend to school in cold waters near the Arctic Circle, has recently issued a statement relating global warming and the dramatic reduction of the northern ice pack to Herring methane.

 

Irish Penicillin–A Wee Bit of the Creature Offers Some Relief from the Common Cold.

Drunken Scientist (2)According to Dr. William Schaffner, Chair of Preventive Medicine at Vanderbilt University Medical Center, in an interview with ABC News. “The alcohol dilates blood vessels a little bit, and that makes it easier for your mucus membranes to deal with the infection.”

Another amazing example of modern science discovering something every red-blooded Irish man and woman (and a few kids) have known since time immemorial.

According to the apocryphal Book of Fergus the Tinker, in the beginning, when Adam and Eve succumbed to the temptations of the serpent and ate the fruit of the forbidden tree, God banished humanity to an existence of work, pain and death. But, the people cried out in their pain, and God had mercy. He created uisce beatha, the water of life, the creature, poitín, the gargle, to soothe the ills of humanity. And, that’s the theology of it… I swear… mar go bhfuil Dia mo finné.

My darlin’ grandmother-that would be my sane grandmother, not my other grandmother-being a God-fearing grandmother (2)woman, a good Catholic and an bean Éireannach, a true daughter of Erin, knew this well. She used whiskey for all domestic crises… it cured teething pains, colic, cold, flu, the wind, famine, plague and the English… well, almost. It also helped dealing with teenaged children, who wanted to be gangsters, cardsharps, bootleggers and flappers; and teenaged grandchildren, who wanted to be beatniks, hoods, hippies and Republicans. It got her through two world wars, the great depression, Korea, Vietnam and the Carter Administration.

Whiskey was an Irish miracle drug… especially the stuff my grandfather cooked up in the bathtub during prohibition.

My darlin’ grandmother actually did rub whiskey on my gums when I was teething. According to her, I was having quite a bit of difficulty with the process. It wasn’t the pain. I grew to like a little bit of the creature now and then, and quickly figured out that when I screamed, she pour a bit of it into me.

Explains a lot.

Paddy Irish Whiskey (2)As far as colds went, my darlin’ grandmother had a recipe for a special curative toddy.

  1. Brew a cup of very strong tea; use three tea bags for a single mug. It should be black as coffee
  2. Add a couple ounces of honey. It takes the edge off the bitterness.
  3. Add 2½ ounces of whiskey… Oh, hell! Just free-pour the stuff. Not the good stuff, now… the sippin’ whiskey… the eight-year-old Paddy will do fine. In a pinch, you can even use that Prot swill from Ulster… Irish whiskey is ecumenical and non-sectarian.
  4. Take the steaming potion and place it on the side table next to the bed.
  5. Get into bed and under the covers.
  6. Drink the elixir.
  7. Wait for it!

When you finally reach consciousness the next morning, you will feel rested and refreshed.

Make sure to check your smartphone calendar to see how many day’s you’ve been out.

Big Butts In Women Are ‘Building Blocks’ For Babies’ Brains

(This piece of snark is based on an actual pseudo-scientific study conducted be a major university)

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Women with big butts now have reason to rejoice.

A study conducted by Duckburg University found evidence that the fat in a woman’s butt and thighs hold essential components for the development of a child’s brain and nervous system.

Professor Angie O’Gram is a public health epidemiologist at the university and talked with the Duckburg Sunday Quack about the study. She cites the fat in a woman’s butt is crucial to an infant’s brain make-up, especially when breastfeeding.

crazy scientist (2)“The fat in butts and boobs is a depot for building a baby’s brain,” O’Gram asserts. “You need a lot of fat to make a nervous system and the fats in women’s butts are enriched in docosahexaenoic acid, which is a particularly important component of the human brain. It’s confusing why the sobriquet “fat head” is considered such an insult. Women have evolved to accumulate fat in their ass and hold on to it until a baby arrives… and then some. An ample butt is the stork’s landing pad.”

Luis Guzman, famed Puerto-Rican actor, stated, “We have known this in Puerto Rico for centuries. Las chicas with big butts are muy sexylindasmuy hermosas…” Guzman had to excuse himself to go take a cold shower.

Ima Nottatellinya, spokesperson for NAFA, the National Association for Fat Acceptance, applauds the findings of the supe size (2)study. “Finally women who can barely squeeze into a 10X can walk openly into Mickey D’s and order three Big Macs, large fries and a diet coke and say ‘Super-Size me’ without shame.”

Another report in Awcumon.co.au, cites a new book, titled Dangerous Curves: The Evolution of Female Body Shape, that states “there was evidence that women with large arses have higher levels of brain-boggling breast milk lipids.” The book is written by Dr. Midas Welby, a reproductive biologist at DUP, Digger’s University and Pub.

Twiggy (2)Dame Lesley Lawson, OBE, DBE, CH, EMC2 an English model, actress singer, and flagpole, widely known in the 1960s by the nickname, Twiggy, dismisses the results of the study. “If it were true that fat women have smart babies, every child in Indiana would be a genius.” Lawson then gorged herself on a leaf of lettuce.